| I was so tired today, I fell asleep while waiting for the red light. I woke up because the car behind me was honking. I got up, sped forward to catch the yellow light and left the honking guy stuck waiting for the next green light. I was so tired, I fell asleep in the Friday night fellowship. We were reading something in Mark I think, taking turns reading a few sentences. Initially I tried to participate, I'd dose in and out, when I knew it was approaching my turn I hurried to find the point in the reading so I'd seamlessly continue the reading. After 2 failed attempts I gave up and went home early. I assumed I'd go home, brush my teeth, wash up, and fall asleep immediately. And now, at almost 2am, I can't sleep. I feel anxious. I started thinking, and I started feeling anxious. I called Joe, which didn't help, and he asked if we could talk about things tomorrow... Tomorrow I am on call. Tomorrow is tomorrow, and I feel anxious now. I am not an axious person, but this one thing. I feel anxious that we are supposedly getting married in April and I'm not even sure if Joe has talked to his parents about specifics. I'm anxious that I myself have not talked to them, in fact I haven't seen his parents in a while. I want to, and actually i don't want to plan this stuff without their input but I don't feel right bring it up before Joe does first. I'm also stressed that after several weeks of failed attempts the final deposit is still not finalized, that I have not sent out save the date cards or other such important things. Then, with nothing planned and nothing finalized, Sheetal pulled me to go dress shopping. We were in the call room, and she says we need to go wedding dress shopping. I weakly protest; I don't want to get a dress when Joe still has not finalized the deposit, but I am too embarrassed to admit this. She calls a bridal boutique in Alexandria and makes an appt for me that evening at 7:30. I get off work at 7pm. So I go, on a whim, and after 1 hour, somehow I actually BOUGHT a dress. Everything happens rather quickly. It is a nice dress. A strapless silk "Paloma blanca" dress. I didn't have a WOW SPEECHLESS moment when I put it on, but I like it the best of the ones I tried on and I thought, well, I'll just get it. It happened to also be on sale. The saleswoman is a pro. She is a little pushy as well, and I recognize her as the same salesperson that "helped" Melissa when we came a few years ago. She has my credit card and I have signed a form saying that agree to buy this dress and that it is final, nonreturnable. Why did I do that? In the car I had second thoughts. What have I done? I didn't even tell anyone. I felt somewhat mortified. I think I would have rather had taken more time, gotten the opinion of Daphne and Melissa, or others who know me better and are closer to me, maybe Joes mom or sister could have weighed in, I might have sent digital pictures to my mom and sisters. I just showed up and randomly bought a dress after an hour? It seems unkosher. I haven't even told Joe yet, or my sisters, or anyone, except Daphne my roomate, and only after a few hours. I was looking through bridal magazines trying to locate the dress. Perhaps if I see it again, on a model, I will feel like it was right. I called out, "Daphne, I did something crazy today." I didn't say anything, like if I don't say anything it didn't happen. I went to work this morning and Sheetal had told the night team on call, and they told someone else, and when i arrived they said Congratulations on finding your dress!! in 1 hour!! and when we went to take our OSCE exams at GW one of the guys says to our program director, but loud enough to make it seem (at least to my ears) like a general announcement to everyone, "Stella got her dress!" I am mortified. And why should I be? It's almost Novemeber, the wedding is supposed to be in April. It is normal and actually expected that a girl would have her dress. So why am I stressed out about it? Which is the whole point. The fact that I'm stressed out about it, is stressful in itself. I'm on call tomorrow. I need to be at work in less than 6 hours. Work 26 hours until Sun morning (an extra hour because of daylight savings! Insult to injury!), sleep, then come back Sun night to start night float. Ugh. |
